Why the captain was late
San Diego, California
I AM WAITING for the captain to arrive. It is the day after Thanksgiving and we are in San Diego with a fully boarded airplane. The entire crew is here except for the captain. No one knows where he is. The copilot stayed with family the night before, not at the hotel, so he hasn’t seen Rex since they arrived in San Diego yesterday. The flight attendants arrived before the pilots did and we stay at a different hotel, so we have no idea. The gate agent calls down to the security checkpoint. Has a Delta pilot cleared security? No.
Passengers with connections are worried they’ll miss their flights. Everyone is getting restless. Finally, we hear the captain is on the way. I make more announcements trying to smooth over the situation.
At last Rex walks on board. I greet him and whisper in his ear, “Your story and you’re sticking to it, is that the hotel forgot to give you your wake-up call.” That is what I have told the passengers, but I don’t know the real reason he is so late.
The captain makes an announcement, apologizing, explaining that flight time is especially quick today because of a strong tailwind, and everyone will make their connections. The relief is palpable throughout the cabin. We depart an hour late.
We four flight attendants (two guys, two girls) together make up a Top Ten List for the captain and slide it under the cockpit door:
TOP 10 REASONS WHY THE CAPTAIN WAS LATE
10. The dog ate his rotation (printed schedule of the day’s trip)
9. He was detained at the Mexican border with a case of Viagra
8. He was waiting for the free breakfast buffet at the hotel
7. He got a turkey bone stuck in his throat
6. He was in the bathtub playing Wordle
5. He was in the Pure Platinum Gentlemen’s Club, giving dollar bills to the girls
4. He couldn’t chew his arm off fast enough
3. He was getting bailed out of a Tijuana jail
2. He thought he was in Santiago, not San Diego.
And the number one reason why the captain was late:
1. He was waiting at a Northwest gate (Delta had bought Northwest the month before)
Rex the captain thinks our list is hilarious! He asks each flight attendant to sign it so he can take it home and frame it.
The next leg of our trip, we have a different captain, handsome, single, cocky. We tell him about the list we made for our previous captain. He wants us to make a Top Ten List for him on this topic:
TOP 10 REASONS WHY THE CAPTAIN IS STILL SINGLE
10.He thinks 19 is plenty old enough
9. He went hoggin’ too many times
8. He WASN’T busted at the Mexican border with a case of Viagra
7. He trades Doubletree cookies for lap dances
6. He shaves both heads
5. He has an “I Love Me” wall of photographs of himself
4. He brings a BOGO coupon on a date
3. He thinks airplanes are interesting
2. He goes to Thee Dollhouse (a famous strip club in Tampa) for the food
and the number one reason why the captain is still single:
1. He tells them he’s an airline pilot